100 fact about me.

1;; I eat with my left hand.
2;; I can't go to sleep with out my plushie bunny.
3;; I believe in 11:11.
4;; I had surgury before.
5;; I camwhore, WAYY to much. );
6;; I like to eat my hang nails.
7;; I barf when I'm sad.
8;; I LOVE stars. *
9;; I tend to eat a pack of sweetards in less then five minutes.
10;; I cry, alot.
11;; When I barf I get a rush of this magical feeling.
12;; I hate sporty boys.
13;; Lazy nerds are THE hottest thing in the world.
14;; I'm no longer thinking I'm bisexual.
15;; I'm inlove with a boy who ignores me.
16;; Lately, I feel like I'm being a bitch.
17;; I have two converse pairs, a skater pair, & one ed hardy.
18;; My feet are SOO freaking weird, when I'm walking in sandels they curl up.
19;; I used to have braces.
20;; My teeth are yellow.
21;; I REALLY hate the typical bitchy slut blonde.
22;; It bothers me when people are just standing, just watching what I'm doing.
23;; People who believe nothing but the total worse, piss me off.
24;; It angers me when people who aren't a race, try so hard to look like that race.
25;; My guy best friend is bi, & the other is my love.
25;; Sometime I really hate talking to girls because they can be so stupid.
26;; Pretty boys who know their attractive, both attract me & repulse me at the same time.
27;; I get angry at things people didn't do on purpose.
28;; Gaiaonline, kills most of my time if I'm not on facebook.
29;; When I'm angry I swear like crazy.
30;; Most of my personality is trades from books.
31;; Sometimes I grab a needle & thread & make bows on the edges of my skin.
32;; I purposely don't try.
33;; I think every year, my dad & sister get crazier, literally.
34;; I've seen people die.
35;; Sometimes when I'm angry, I put circles of makeup around my eyes to make me looks tired, so nobody woudlwant to talk to me.
36;; I idolize boys because their cooler.
37;; Alot of the time over msn, I'll roll my eyes or clench my teeth over something I found offending.
38;; I'm a horribly angry & angust.
39;; I love the colour blue, but just as much as the shade gray.
40;; I've kissed three boys.
41;; ^ That just makes me feel like a slut.
42;; It's stupid that people can only find one race attractive.
43;; I really love breakup songs.
44;; The voilin pleases me when I'm sad.
45;; I feel angered that every guy who dumbs me always seems sto go for this one friend.
46;; I feel like a "heat heart heartbreaker" when I reject someone.
47;; I'm every spiritual.
48;; I tend to believe in  the whole star sign thing.
49;; Astrological things are something I'm crazy about.
50;; Sometime when I'm bored, I pratice the witch craft I read from books.
51;; When I crush on someone, I both crush & idolize them.
52;; I stalk the same guy atleast once a day.
53;; I always feel so wannabe.
54;; I sometime copy sometimes of how people that my crush likes.
55;; I think it's gross when people who are dark dye their hair blonde.
56;; I've always found myself an annoying person.
57;; I hate talking to a person first because I'm afraid they'll be annoyed.
58;; It is something stupid to bring up my exboyfriends, but my friends always mangae to do.
59;; I wish I always didn't feel so scared.
60;; I trust people to easy.
61;; I hate eating pork & fish.
62;; I tend to like guys more in general.
63;; I always did believe I've had some type of mental desaise.
64;; I'm crazy about animals. So cute. <33
65;; I dress overly nerdy sometimes.
66;; I cut my own hair when I feel like it.
67;; Rainbows are so pretty to me.
68;; The devil's dairy, my favorite movie.
69;; ^ I remind myself of the emo  movie.
70;; I have this obsession with Taro & orea bubble tea.
71;; I dislike so many girls.
72;; When I'm hungry,I just stare at picturesof food & it goes away wit a full feeling.
73;; I have a stash of sweets in my room.
74;; I believe my mom thinks I'm a lezbo.
75;; I used to have 500, my mom used that to pay off her visa bill. -.-
76;; I drink when nobody's looking.
77;; I have this sick twisted craving for blood.
78;; I plan on going to York Uni, for basically "gym" & minor in french.
79;; Horror movies make me feel happy.
80;; I think its stupid when someone names their kid's the name of a place or ending with Sha
81;; I sing myself a lullaby every night.
82;; I eat my lip skin when nobody's looking.
83;; Around my eyes, it gets sweaty & sticky because they hurt.
84;; I bit my sister's arm when I was five, the scars are still there. (:
85;; If the inside of my elbow's sweat, I get hives.
86;; I remeber where each & every one of my scars came from.
87;; Bossy people make me want to punch them in their faces so I roll my eyes & walk away
88;; I like having all of my nails short, unless it's my thumb.
89;; I've been a huge harry potter fan, starting with my crush on him. (:
90;; Movies give me hope formy love life.
91;; I think it's stupid when peopel only care about looks.
92;; People are weird when they put random shit on their screen names or users.
93;; I tend to be moody around my family but not to my friends.
94;; Dill pickle layz chips are heavenly.
95;; Cheesecake is god's gift to me & the meaning of life.
96;; Tall skinny girls are creepy.
97;; The smell of pepperment, banh bao, & coke is the smell of my love.
98;; I use the bar at the back of my teeth so I can open pop cans.
99;; Dude ismy favourite word, EVER.
100;; I still don't see the point of shopping secretly because it's on sale somewhere.
I was challenged by Annie. =]

Shakespeare..?

I could never really understand why movies were so unreal. I now realize it's just to make you feel better about yourself, give you hope. Today I watched A midsummer night's dream (yes, the play by W.S.) Helena is a crazy inlove head over heels due to Demetrius which "loves" Hermia, but Hermia is inlove with another, by the name of Lysander which is his true love. I myself am currently in a sitch like this. Helena woudl be me, with that guy...-cough- Annie would be Hermia & Lysander would be Ry....sadly, Ry doesn't like Annie so it's kind of not like the movie. But the movie did give me hope for both Annie & I. In the end of the movie Lysander FINALLY fell inlove with Helena, the crazy one. I hope it does happen & that Ry likes her. If not all hope is lost & I'll become Ophelia then die.

Maybe he doesn't care..

Today I was talking to Annie & we were talking about guys, since I went to the mall. She todl me "he who shall not be named" was online & i'm like "i was watching a movie today & the main dude was named _____", then she said "LOL he's on now go talk to him" & i'm like "who?". She says "____" & i'm like "he's online? great, he prolly blocked me. come to think of it i wonder if he's mad at me". She replies "?he's the ____ slow replys guy". At first I thought he blocked me, but then turns out, he really got a new email. He added everyone, BUT me. The sting of a stinking heart. He either doesn't care at all for me or he does TRULY & HOPELESSLY likes Annie. ... 

  .....Earlier today, I was also wearing a new pair of shorts. I look down at my leg & see old scars on my leg, does nobody else see them. I see only scares & bruises all over my body that never really went away. Theres this blue bruise on the side of my right eye when my sister smashed the door into my face. Nobody else sees all these little flaw. I guess, maybe I just worry to much.

Not sure

I'm not completely sure, but lately, I've felt really sick. It's not just my body, but my mentality feels weak. It seems dead. Not sure why I feel like this. I'm so tired lately, so I don't think taht helps very much either. My forehead is hot, my eyes sting, I can't get a good night's sleep. If I lay down get I get up I gasp for air while blood rushes to my face. I always feel so cold. My mental state is very questionable. I'm having these images in my head of sick people. The drawings I make seem like something an insane person would think of. There all of stitched up people who have been mutalated or extremely skinny people. Yestarday I went looking in my room for a blade so I could feel something. I haven't been able to feel anything myself. For that matter, I haven't really felt any emotion for a while. It's all been faked. If it's not faked smile, I was most likely using sarcism when talking to someone. There was only this one time, I did not fake or use sarcism, it was to say what I knew was right, but I didn't feel it was so. My mind keeps on running things I did before, bad things. Not the type of bad thing that are like stealing, but the type of emoral things. Like barfing & cutting, always in my mind. Right after a meal I would run to the bathroom after i finshed the dishes, turn on the tap so nobody could hear me. I'd be on my knees, staring in the mirror. Always just thinking, I'm not skinny enough. I have to admit, I did lose weight. I am currently 108. But I wish the mirror would lie, but it never did. Icould always see a curve that repulsed me. I tried so hard to get to barf enough. I used to cut myself, just to feel something. Sometimes I would just feel so cold, so emotionless. Tears would roll off of my cheeks, but feeling nothing, just an empty feeling. It was a hunger to cut, to feel that everything was real. I could feel the sting for the cuts. The more I'd cut, the more I felt a filling. It was a twisted feeling, but I enjoyed it. I would lick of the blood for a sickly twisted & slightly energizing feeling. I hope all of these thought pass. Going back to school like this would be horrible, painful, angering. I just have to say if anybody tries to give me a lecture, which I've heard it all before, trust me, it doesn't help, it really pushes you more into doing it.

Skin & Bones

I lock the door, turn on the water. Bury that sound, so no one hears anything anymore. Mirrors lie to me, tell me you can see, maybe you won't be able to recognize me now. I know you can feel, all the things you steal & you're taking, you're taking it. Feeling so easy. Make me skin and bones. I'm always on my knees for you. You break like it's even. When you're leaving & thin, where the hell have you been? Well sometimes it burns, Baby I'll wash it out. It all look so big. Never mind, I don't feel anything. It only hurt a bit. I STILL FEEL LIKE SHIT! & I think you won't be able to recognize me now. It's easier to quit, but it's harder to admit & you're pushing me, YOU'RE FUCKING PUSHING ME! Feeling so easy. Make me skin and bones. I'm always on my knees for you. You break like it's even. When you're leaving & thin, where the hell have you been? Cause you always win, you always win. Laughin' like it works, bleeding like it don't hurt, knock you off your feet. Even if you need me
Tear you apart, and I hate how I need you. Feeling too easy make me skin and bones. I'm always on my knees for you. Break like its even. When your faking, it's too fucking easy, make me skin & bones.
I'm always on my knees for you. Break like it's even. When you're leaving & thin, where the hell have you been cause you always win, and you always win, you always win. 

Kare Kano

Kare Kano, it's this manga I like. I borrowed two books from my friend & I forgot to give them back to her before we went on summer vacation. I was reading it & it made me feel so bad. It's book 11 & 15, it reminded me of Brett & his rants. Lately, I've been seeing people who look like him. I freak out & turn away from them. I've seen 3 in the past two days. I don't want to go back to school anymore. I'm scared of what might happen if he sees me. What if he hits me? He was so angry & he'd fight me trying to get answers. I tried to forgot so badly, SO very badly, but I just couldn't. It's like I'm seeing him everywhere. I feel like shit lately. I feel so angry & tired. The only good thing that's come out ofr my summer is the new sweater I bought & the part of me that feels smarter.

Al, the guy i want to hurt.

Maddiee : P says:
Mitchel told me he beat up the creepy white guy xDD
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
orly, when?
Maddiee : P says:
umm i think 3 days ago
LOL wait
it was 4
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
was he really hurt?
Maddiee : P says:
cuz he txted me saying "Delete the white guy off your fb and msn"
i have a feeling he was
cuz mitchel
sounded really pissed
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
hmm...
i wish i coudl see him now
Maddiee : P says:
LOL me too xDDD
i kinda wanna go up to him and say "never liked you, we were only nice bcuz Mitchel was nice to you"
but tht would be mean
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
pfft, i was only nice to him because i don'tl ike being mean to people
but him
Maddiee : P says:
LLOL
hes the only person
who actually managed to creep me out
like yanno
matthew gives me the ew feeling but hes still my friend
but Al O_O
just makes you go
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
al makes me want to shot someone
then again brett does that too
Maddiee : P says:
LOL
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
al is just someone i've built up so much anger too
Maddiee : P says:
omg D:
that goes for everyone
ohh
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
?
Maddiee : P says:
mitchel said he made him bleed alot and hes gonna post it on fb
XD
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:

Maddiee : P says:
now thts cyber bullying
i kinda, cant wait
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
i kind want to do it myself
beat him up i mean
Maddiee : P says:
LOL i know wat you meant
xD
and me too
ahh D: he shouldve invited us
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
I KNOW RIGHT!??! D:
wait, i can't go outside
Maddiee : P says:
LOL
then you have to snipe him
xD
Alissa being the sniper
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:

Maddiee : P says:
hehehehe
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
why couldn't he have done it at school ? D:
Maddiee : P says:
bcuz mitchel was being nice and tolerating it
but he just had to ruin it and piss of mikey
Mitchel was like his ONLY friend
>:0
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
: O what did he do!?!?
Maddiee : P says:
mitchel said "He talks to much shit."
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
ohhh :/
i can see it
Maddiee : P says:
well im fine with it cuz hes in collage now
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
i hate how he crushes on younger girls
Maddiee : P says:
YEAH
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
THANK GOD & BUDDHA
Maddiee : P says:
I HATE THT TOO
but omg
if he shows up next semester
id be liek "why ar eyou here ._."
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
srsly
imma say "how old are you? no offence this seems pedo"
Maddiee : P says:
ewwwww
hes nasteeey
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
srsly
he's SOO ugly
Maddiee : P says:
ive seen better white guys :0
in my old neighbourhood
the white guys
were hot
and the ugliest white guy
looks SO much better then him
e_e
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
when he went bald i freaked out because jacques told him he got lice
Maddiee : P says:
ME TOO
he scared the shit out of everyone
he especially pissed off richy
LOL
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
i know x)
Maddiee : P says:
wenever richy wanted to go to the movies or to pmall, al would invite himself
:0
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
&& the time we went skating
Maddiee : P says:
YEASHH
LIKE
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
he's just invite himself places
Maddiee : P says:
OMFG
I HATED THT
it was suppose to be my present for Jewels
how to skate
but
HE RUIN IT
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
once, we went to pho for christmas & like he almost came
we had to pretend it was cancelled
Maddiee : P says:
tht reminded me of the time
wen
i wanted to go home
cuz our commiunty hours is over
and richy and janchu were going home too
and mitchel asked if he wanted to walk home with him
and al said no
he had to walk me home
and i was like "wtf? am i your gf or soething?"
but i didnt say
tht
so i called my dad to pick me up

- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
x)
Maddiee : P says:
so i got a drive home with ricky and jancy
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
nice
dude, like i hate how he woudl just tag along when we'd go for after school snacks
Maddiee : P says:
Yeaaaah D:
wat sucks even more
he said hes NEVER had a gf before
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
no duhh
Maddiee : P says:
im like "wow wat a loser."
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
dude, he scares people away. he isn't pretty, his personality sticks & i doubt he's good a kissing
Maddiee : P says:
an inexperenced outcast D:
ohhhh
and
you know wat else is creepy

i gave matthew my new number, cuz we're friends, right?
and he was like "and how come I dont have this number?"
i was like e___e i ll give it to you later
but i lied
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
x) smart maddie
Maddiee : P says:
he expected me to actually give him my number >>:0
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
it bothers me thath e's like a loner & he's not even good at it o__o
he just makes peopel wants to stay away MORE
Maddiee : P says:
LMFAOO
SO TRUEE
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
like most of the time you expect them to secretly be so cool & nice. him....just no
Maddiee : P says:
Yeaaah D: why cant he be one of those cliche loners?
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
D: not some creepy effer who said they want to burn us down then make friends with us
Maddiee : P says:
uggh i hate the way he treats us especially
acts like we're kids and dont know anything
then he clings to us
as though we're friends
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
i hate when he treats us like kids then a few minutes later he's soo immature & he thinks he's being cool fitting in
Maddiee : P says:
omg your so right >_< like we act like kids, but we're mature - ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says: i know. he creeps me out ALOT when he tries to act like a cutest japanese girl. e___< Maddiee : P says: AND HE NEEDS TO FUCKIN SHAVE HIS HIDEOUS BEARD WHY CANT HE LEARN FROM BANNI AND JACQUES? - ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says: ry, richy, tang, THEY ALL DO IT Maddiee : P says: YEAHHHH - ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says: he's teh only one who keeps it. jacques gros his out sometiems because it isn't ver noticable, but his -shivers- Maddiee : P says: lmao! yeaah xD i cant stand it i had the urge to yank it out - ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says: e___e it's annyonig & it curls in when it's long Maddiee : P says: hes not very higenic D: epsecially with his 8 year old shoes and his raggy hat - ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says: his pants & ripped shirt those are GROSS Maddiee : P says: like srsly e__e he wore the same sweater the WHOLE semester the ripped pants especially bothered me :0 - ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says: && the same pants EVERY day for a year with hole D: the shirt bothers me he ripped out most of the school's crest & let it hang Maddiee : P says: he didnt even wear unifor, *uniform so like wtf? you cuoldve worn sme nice ergular clothes atleast one thts not ripped - ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says: why was he even IN school? he said he didn't have many classes, so he could've take summer school Maddiee : P says: TRUE and he comes in the monrings wen all his classes were in the afternoon >:0
ohh dude look!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wEZ81_7G9Wc&feature=related
the mom ruined the moment
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
he's kidn of cute
Maddiee : P says:
another moment ruined xDD its even more funny cuz its the same couple
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rouf0oCwtrk&NR=1

- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
ohh, like i was saying, WTF? can't he find other friend his age? or hango ut with other people like kum
x)
Maddiee : P says:
yeahh
but kum
isnt as gay as he is
ATLEAST KUM HAS A GIRLFRIEND
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
THAT'S SOO FUNNY
& yeahh, atleast he can get some
&& what i don't understand is, why doesn't he go for his own white people instead of the azns, he know s he has no chance
Maddiee : P says:
-sigh-
it makes me so dissapointed
to even know him
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
i makes me disown myself

Grades (Grade school)

So I picked a girl friend from each grade.
One) Rain, she was so funny & was my best friend, she introduced me to Four. We had SOO many memories. She was my first sister. Stellar girl. (Y) I don't remember much.
Two) Leena, I still know her to this day & we hang out TONS! Even with her height she's still one of the coolest people I know. She's so funny when she insults someone. Her jokes are so good. When she gets mad, she'll kick your arse. She loves facebook, gaia & I think zuup. Not sure. I love going to her house, because we spend the best times together, liek my birthday. <3 Three) the time i had no friends besides Rain & Leena Four) MADDIE!!My first bisexual friend, ever. <3 She's a perv, but she's so funny. x) She also has those tiems when she cries & calls me just to talk. ): I hope I make her feel better. It woudl be better in real life so she could she this BEATIFUL face of mine. I joke, I joke. =PBut I have known her for a while. I don't remember it but Rain told me she introduced us to each other. Mehh...Who needs memories from then when you can make new ones now. Five) ...o____o I don't remember ONE thing from grade five.

Boys don't effin understand.

- Brett says:

Alissa.
When we were going out.
I didnt mean to anger you.. I honestly don't know what I did.. I really liked you.. I was so nervous to mess things up.. I wanted to see you and I understand your mom wouldn't let you do that stuff.. I just missed you alot.. I honestly don't know if that's what angered you.. I'm sorry for that.. I know i'm obsessive.. But that's because I really like you.. That's all.
And yes I questioned alot of things.. Only because I'm very curious about things.
- ` Elle.Nerd - Boo! says:
yes but you also got angry at me when i woudln't tell you, & if you haven't noticed you don't need to know everyone
- Brett says:
Alissa.. I wasn't angry at you.. I was angry at the fact you put somone before me. When the situation was about me. I just wanted to know the person because I can't stand when people are like that towards me when i'm not like that towards them.
I didn't mean to anger you on that.. I understand you don't break promises.. The only problem I seen was that how could you make a promise with somone who you fought with.
Which was my main concern.
And I was worried that you made the whole thing up because you didn't want me anymore.. I'm really sorry Alissa.. Those things hurt me alot.. I flip out.. But I was never angry at you.
- ` Elle.Nerd - Boo! says:
yeahh, well maybe you should have thought that before & yuo shoudl get over it, we only knew each other for a little while
- Brett says:
LOL
Thought of what before.
Honestly.
Nothing changed in the matter.
You just don't understand everything I say and i'm sure what others say to you.
We talk to you.
And you think we're yelling at you.
Or pissed at you.
And trying to piss you off.
But
Your the whole reason the situation rose up
You made a promise not to tell that guys name to me.
ok
But why did you have to tell me what the guy said
You started that problem
You coulda just kept it to yourself
But you didn't
And that's ur problem Alissa.
Not mine.
Your telling me get over it ?
LOL
Mabye you should learn how to be in a relationship before you start talking trash about other ppl.
I miss you yes.
But I miss you for your nice side.
But I guess I should understand it.
I mean
You mom always bitches at you and you hate it.
I guess you get that bitchy side from her.
And yes
I know i sound mean right now
why
Because your fucking rude.
- ` Elle.Nerd - Boo! says:
thanks
& your a fucking asshole
- Brett says:
Really ?
Cause i'm not the one starting this
You are.
I know it would never happen because that's the way you are.
But
If you were all depressed
- ` Elle.Nerd - Boo! says:
orly, your the one who won't let a girl go
- Brett says:
about this
I would be the one
Making sure you felt alright
Not mocking you to your face.
- ` Elle.Nerd - Boo! says:
i'm not depressed, i'm pissed
- Brett says:
I know
I don't care.
You mock me to my face.
While we're in a relationship
And out.
You act as if your so important and special and i'm nothing and i'm so fucking lucky to of had you.
But in reality.
Your just another stuck up girl.
- ` Elle.Nerd - Boo! says:
thanks, & just like all of my friends said, your the biggest jerk ever
- Brett says:
haha.
I've never been a jerk to anyone.. atleast this year.
But you.
I'm being a bitch to you.
Because
Your being a bitch to me.
I'm a bitch to anyone that treats me with disrespect I don't deserve.
- ` Elle.Nerd - Boo! says:
i'm a bitch when i'm angry
- Brett says:
I feel guilty if I do deserve it.
But
If i don't deserve it
I get angry.
Ask anyone that's good friends with me that.
And you have no reason to be angry.
You mocked me
first
You should be the one just like
Who the hell cares.
- ` Elle.Nerd - Boo! says:
then don't fucking talk to me
- Brett says:
LOL
I know ur thinking to yourself.
This guys a fucking asshole w.e
I'm not ok.
I'm such a frkin nice person.. I'm only nice because of what has happened to me in my past. I hate anger I hate frustration.
And when it comes to me
I hold it in
And I hold it in more
And I build up alot of anger
Then
When somone like you comes along
and treats me like shit
it bursts out.
Mabye instead of watching what I say
You should watch what you say
and be like
wow..
I'm a fucking asshole.
- ` Elle.Nerd - Boo! says:
if you think i'm such a bitch, why the fuck are you stil talking to me
- Brett says:
Because there's a nice side to you.
And I know there is.
And I want that side to understand this.
And you will act like this to everyone else
If you don't understand this.
Alissa your awesome to talk to when your nice.
Bu
but
You push all your anger out on other ppl about what's happening in your life.
*sigh* just understand this.
None of us are assholes when we're happy.
Nobody is.
Then
When we're frustrated.
Some of us hold it in
And still seem happy
Then some of us put that frustration on others
I seem happy when i'm frustrated
ur angry
and you mock ppl
The point is.
Don't look at all this like it's my fault./
Cus I know.
I'm not stupid
Your gunna go to all your friends and talk shit about what a bitch I am.
Alissa. I want to talk to you when your nice.
You need to relax your anger.
And you need to chill.
We're supposed to be friends.. Just cus we broke up doesn't mean you need to mock me.
- ` Elle.Nerd - Boo! says:
imma let you finish, but shane had the best break up of all time, of ALL TIME. YOU, sir, can suck a dick and just fuck off.

Surguryy

"Hunny, just breathe in the air." -COUGH- -COUGH- "I know it smells funny, but breathe it in slowly." Everything blacked out & I woke up to some strange person's voice telling me to open my mouth. Only pure pitch black, sounds coming from all round, people talking to one another. The pain of my whole body, aching, just aching in pain. Needles suck in places I don't remember were there before. I tried to open my eyes, but I was in to much pain, it was too much work. Coughing, Coughing, harder & harder. Everytime I coughed I could taste the gas they made me smell. I forced myself to finally open my eyes. Where was I? I don't remember how I got here. All I remembered was the surgine. I just had lip sugury to remove a lip tumor, it didn't cause cancer, but it was still ugly. It had gotten bigger. Now my lip was huge & horrid. The blood, the pain, the meds. This happened on June 30th. I'm still hungry, I haven't eaten since my friend Jewels & I ate at McDonalds.

Toronto

Okayy, so Toronto is currently undergoing the G-20. This is a wolrd tax thing that will make us lose a billion dollars. The people in Toronto are rioting downtown over this. I'm asking myself why? Burning police cars, violence, total anarchy & chaos. I don't understand the point of hurting police & sending out threats of killing political leaders. It's stupid. I understand you mad, I understand that this is wrong, The police are in your way but are you really going to do this? Understand that there are other ways to do this, to solve this problem. Lately Toronto has been having these huge problems, like first the earthquake, then the G-2O....THE EFF!!My boyfriend thinks I'm jealous of him because he's over at his friend's house, who's a girl. ALL I SAID WAS "No glove, no love." He's so stupid sometimes. Sometimes...More like lately. He's being such a douche bag & it's only been a week sicne we started dating. He's so cute with his nerdy self, but sometimes I just want to stangle him....Right, like I was saying Toronto has been having these issues lately. I just wish they would all act like humans instead of cavemen.

Douche Bag much?

I just had a fight with my boyfriend. Here it is.;;
"""- Brett says:
I don't know, Mabye our date on thursday will take your mind off things ?
- ` [i]E3lle...l3hiss-ahh[/i].Nerd - Boo! says:
i don't even feel like going out
- Brett says:
with me ?
- ` [i]E3lle...l3hiss-ahh[/i].Nerd - Boo! says:
at all
- Brett says:
ouch..
- ` [i]E3lle...l3hiss-ahh[/i].Nerd - Boo! says:
:/ sorry
- Brett says:
Aslong as your happy , We can still be friends though ?
- ` [i]E3lle...l3hiss-ahh[/i].Nerd - Boo! says:
-.-
- Brett says:
??

- ` [i]E3lle...l3hiss-ahh[/i].Nerd - Boo! says:
remember i'm angry at them?
- Brett says:
I know your angry at them.
And I understand your breaking up with me I don't care what you do aslong as you can be happy.. I know your not happy right now but do what you think is right until you are .
- ` [i]E3lle...l3hiss-ahh[/i].Nerd - Boo! says:
i'm breaking up with you? o___o
- Brett says:
You just said you don't feel like going out at all with me
-.-
- ` [i]E3lle...l3hiss-ahh[/i].Nerd - Boo! says:
i mean outside

- Brett says:
LOL
- ` [i]E3lle...l3hiss-ahh[/i].Nerd - Boo! says:
your smart
- Brett says:
not really :*

How could we keep dating if you don't want to go out at all lol ?
I don't understand ?
- ` [i]E3lle...l3hiss-ahh[/i].Nerd - Boo! says:
idk
i'll feel like going out sooner or later
just not now
- Brett says:
So we're going out but not going out ?
- ` [i]E3lle...l3hiss-ahh[/i].Nerd - Boo! says:
umm...sure?
- Brett says:
...why not just break up with me ?
I'm used to it, Won't hurt me more then what you just said to me.
Your trying to make it gentle.
When i don't care how you do it.
I really like you and even if we're not going out and you don't want to anymore we can still be friends.
It's up to you if you don't want to be friends but I would not understand that.
And if you think that not going out with somone while still going out with somone is even possible.
Mabye your not ready for a relationship at all.
Break up with me then.
- ` [i]E3lle...l3hiss-ahh[/i].Nerd - Boo! says:
o____o dude, your make me confused
- Brett says:
I'm more confused then you right now.
Trust me.
Relationships are supposed to be about seeing each other.
I can't handle going a week or for weeks without seeing you.
- ` [i]E3lle...l3hiss-ahh[/i].Nerd - Boo! says:
-.-
- Brett says:
Alissa.
I like you too much.
If were still "going out" i'm going to want to see you.
But if you don't want to see me.
It doesn't work.
And I won't break up with you because I don't want too. I still want you ... alot.
But
If you don't feel the same
Break up with me.
- ` [i]E3lle...l3hiss-ahh[/i].Nerd - Boo! says:
i do feel the same, i jsut don't feel like going out right now
- Brett says:
Ok so were not in a relationship now we're in a relationship when you feel like it ?
it's like saying
Oh
I'm sorry I just need time it's not you it's me blah blah blah blah
It's the exact same thing as breaking up with somone Alissa.
Just do it.
And in the future
If you get over these issues
Then you can be like ok
let's go out again
But for now.
It's just like saying let's see other people.
- ` [i]E3lle...l3hiss-ahh[/i].Nerd - Boo! says:
fuck, your making me cry, can you shuddup?
- Brett says:
Really cus i've been crying.
*sigh*
Just say the words.
I'm used to it don't make it gentle.
- ` [i]E3lle...l3hiss-ahh[/i].Nerd - Boo! says:
bradd, srsly, i don't want ot brake up but, your making it seem like you want too
- Brett says:
Alissa, I want to see you, I want to be with you and more importantly I want to talk to you.
That's how relationships work.
You don't want to do any of those things.
- ` [i]E3lle...l3hiss-ahh[/i].Nerd - Boo! says:
I DO WANT TO TALK TO YOU
- Brett says:
What about seeing me ?
- ` [i]E3lle...l3hiss-ahh[/i].Nerd - Boo! says:
...
ibb'
- Brett says:
Exactly.
- ` [i]E3lle...l3hiss-ahh[/i].Nerd - Boo! says:
do you really wanan know why i'm angry?
- Brett says:
Yes.
- ` [i]E3lle...l3hiss-ahh[/i].Nerd - Boo! says:
i got into a fight with someone about what you
happy?
- Brett says:
?
- ` [i]E3lle...l3hiss-ahh[/i].Nerd - Boo! says:
because i'm not
- Brett says:
about what I what ?
I'm not happy unless your happy and when your happy i'm not going to be happy until I know what happened.
- ` [i]E3lle...l3hiss-ahh[/i].Nerd - Boo! says:
someone said you told them that you were at your cousin's house to teach her a listen, but YOU told me that she changed the locks. Some else also told me that you are a liar & full of yourself, THAT'S WHY IM' MAD
- Brett says:
*sigh*
If you tell me these things in the beggining it's alot easier
But no
Always gotta make it complicated.
I got angry at my aunt
Then started to stay at my cousins
After the night
The next morning
I started to think it through more
So
I wanted to go apologize to my aunt
And make up
I went to the house
the locks were changed.
So I went to my other cousins
That's when I messaged you on msn and was talking to you
My aunt before I was talking to you
Told me that she didn't want me back into the house
But the only reason she said that was because her ex boyfriend was in her ear and telling her all this
Once her ex boyfriend left the house she phoned me and said she'd give me a chance if she talked to me and I went to the trailer with her this weekend
So I got home at 10 pm and talked to her for an hour
Then madeup
Then today she said i don't have to go to the trailer if i don't wan toto.
want too*
And that's the full story.
And now she's gone to the trailer
And i'm home alone

- Brett just sent you a nudge.

- Brett says:
Happy ?
Who was it that said i'm a liar ?
- ` [i]E3lle...l3hiss-ahh[/i].Nerd - Boo! says:
someone
- Brett says:
Alissa we're not going to get over this unless you tell me.
- ` [i]E3lle...l3hiss-ahh[/i].Nerd - Boo! says:
well, i'm NOT allowed to tell
- Brett says:
Well arn't you angry at that person
- ` [i]E3lle...l3hiss-ahh[/i].Nerd - Boo! says:
that's teh thing with me, if i promise something i can't say anything
- Brett says:
I won't even talk to the person
I just want to know
know
Because i'm not going to continue being friends with somone who would do this to me
- ` [i]E3lle...l3hiss-ahh[/i].Nerd - Boo! says:
well, i promised
- Brett says:
Fine.
Your going to make me stay friends with somone who went at me like this.
You honestly think that's fair ?
- ` [i]E3lle...l3ees-ahh[/i].Nerdy Hippie - Boo! says:
-.- Bradd, leave it Alone okayy?
my problem
- Brett says:
No
Not your problem
Not in the least bit
It's my problem
- ` [i]E3lle...l3hiss-ahh[/i].Nerd - Boo! says:
no, it's MY problem
- Brett says:
If it was your problem I wouldn't be crying right now would I ?!
- ` [i]E3lle...l3hiss-ahh[/i].Nerd - Boo! says:
it's not your fault so you shouldn't be crying
it's mine because they got mad at me
- Brett says:
Alissa, What that person said made you not want to go on our date anymore
That makes it my problem
- ` [i]E3lle...l3hiss-ahh[/i].Nerd - Boo! says:
it didn't make me want to go out with you
it pisses me off enough to NOT want to live my apt
AT ALL
- Brett says:
huh ?
That makes no sense.
- ` [i]E3lle...l3hiss-ahh[/i].Nerd - Boo! says:
GOD! I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE MY PLACE AT ALL
- Brett says:
Because of this person ?
- ` [i]E3lle...l3hiss-ahh[/i].Nerd - Boo! says:
because of that person & things, other things too, just leave ti
- Brett says:
Tell me the person
- ` [i]E3lle...l3hiss-ahh[/i].Nerd - Boo! says:
no
- Brett says:
Alissa let me handle it!
I will fix it.
Somtimes
You can't be stubborn
I understand a secret once in awile
But this is more then that
When you shittalk somone behind their backs.
Expect to be told off
I'm giving you two options right now Alissa.
Tell me
Or break up with me
One or the other.
If you care about me you'll tell me
And stop being stubborn and tell me
- ` [i]E3lle...l3hiss-ahh[/i].Nerd - Boo! says:
no, why do i have to stop?
why don't you?
- Brett says:
Because I don't want to stop.
- ` [i]E3lle...l3hiss-ahh[/i].Nerd - Boo! says:
do you think maybe i don't want to either?
- Brett says:
if you didn't you'd try to make this whole thing better and the past.
you oviously can't deal with it.
SO let me deal with it
That's what i'm here for.
It'd be the same deal if it was the other way around.
I know you don't trust me, But trust me enough to solve this.
Cus if your scared to leave your place.
It makes it sound like your being threatened by this person
Tell me what this person told you to want to not leave the apt and tell me who this person is. I'll act on whatever is the safest for you and for me. And i'll try to get the problem dealt with without any violence.
Just tell me
- ` [i]E3lle...l3hiss-ahh[/i].Nerd - Boo! says:
IM' NOT SCARED TO LEAVE MY PLACE
I DON'T WANT TOO
- Brett says:
TELL ME THE PERSON'S NAME !
- ` [i]E3lle...l3hiss-ahh[/i].Nerd - Boo! says:
NO
- Brett says:
)':

- ` [i]E3lle...l3hiss-ahh[/i].Nerd - Boo! says:
how do you think i feel?
- Brett says:
BETTER THEN ME!!
This person isnt shit talking you
This person is shit talking ME!
- ` [i]E3lle...l3hiss-ahh[/i].Nerd - Boo! says:
no, their talking shiz about someoen i care about
- Brett says:
But that somone is Me
if you know
I should knwo.
I honestly don't deserve this.
I'm nice to everyone and the only reason I could think of that they'd be saying all this about me
Is their jelous of us.
And if that's so
They can do alot worse.
- ` [i]E3lle...l3hiss-ahh[/i].Nerd - Boo! says:
i don't care what they do, god. just leave it Alone, i'm dealing with you
i can deal with it on my own
- Brett says:
Is it Shane ?
- ` [i]E3lle...l3hiss-ahh[/i].Nerd - Boo! says:
no
- Brett says:
*sigh*
I want to see you Alissa though !!!
Why can't you leave your place just a little.
- ` [i]E3lle...l3hiss-ahh[/i].Nerd - Boo! says:
woudl you be happy, if i did jsut a a little?
- Brett says:
I would be happier if I seen you alot but I would rather see you every once in awile then not at all.
And i'd rather you not cancel our date.
- ` [i]E3lle...l3hiss-ahh[/i].Nerd - Boo! says:
well, ermm....one otehr problem
about that
- Brett says:
?
- ` [i]E3lle...l3hiss-ahh[/i].Nerd - Boo! says:
so, it's teh day after my sugery
thus i can't talk, nor kiss
- Brett says:
Let's do the date earlier then ?
- ` [i]E3lle...l3hiss-ahh[/i].Nerd - Boo! says:
i can't ):
busy weekends
- Brett says:
Fine I don't care if you can't talk or kiss. I just want to see you Eliza... Thats it we can still do our date but we will just be with each other.
- ` [i]E3lle...l3hiss-ahh[/i].Nerd - Boo! says:
cant i hang out with you for an hour?
just you & me?
- Brett says:
On thursday ?
- ` [i]E3lle...l3hiss-ahh[/i].Nerd - Boo! says:
Tuesday
- Brett says:
Yes.
I would like that alot more then not seeing each other.
- ` [i]E3lle...l3hiss-ahh[/i].Nerd - Boo! says:
oakyy
umm..i just need to find out what time i have to go somewhere
- Brett says:
Yup..
I would really like it if you told me still tho.. I promise to you I won't say anything to them.
I just want to know who not to be friends with anymore.
- ` [i]E3lle...l3hiss-ahh[/i].Nerd - Boo! says:
i can't
i promised
- Brett says:
Alissa please for me, Your only breaking a promise if it goes everywere.
I'm your boyfriend you should be able to tell me.
- ` [i]E3lle...l3hiss-ahh[/i].Nerd - Boo! says:
i can't, its' a promise
- Brett says:
Alissa, this person can do worse.
What if I don't know who this person is
I vent to that person
That person goes at you again
and then again
I don't want to be friends with that person.
- ` [i]E3lle...l3hiss-ahh[/i].Nerd - Boo! says:
i don't care if they do worse, okayy? let me handle MY problem with people
i can
- Brett says:
Alissa I beg you...
Just a name
- ` [i]E3lle...l3hiss-ahh[/i].Nerd - Boo! says:
no brett, just think about something else
please
- Brett says:
I can't .
I hate being betrayed like this."""
Let me just point out I had NO idea want was happening during alot of that convo. I feel sick right now. :/

angry

For once, I'm finally agnry. I want to cry, I want to punch things, Scream, anything for the world to realize I'M ANGRY. Not to long ago I started to go out with this one person, not the person I wanted to go out with originally, but he was still good, kind of in a way like a rebound, but I liked him anyways. So we've kissed & I trust him. I trust everyone, but not totally. It's like I give them chances. So today, my friend Emilia got me angry because of what she said. So, we were all in this convo, Janchu, Emilia, Jewels & Annie. They were trying to convince me to go to korean BBQ with them. I told them to go, Annie & I had plans, but I told her to go. I said I had to talk to Bradd because he got kicked out of his house. Then Emilia starts off by "o-o I talked to him already. he wasn't kicked out of his house either. he told me his aunt sweared (** incorrect spelling Annie corrects her to swore) at him & he didn't go home. So he went to his cousin's house to "teach her a lesson" so wtf...either he is lieing to you Alissa because you cannot get locks changed in like a few minutes.....so either he was lieing to you or he made up the story to me >_>" Then Annie goes ">>i don't like that brandon kid." After Emilia says "my friend Ty who used to be bradds bff said he was a liar >_> that's why they didn't hang out anymore...cuz bradd lies...and that he thinks too much of himself.. im not trying to make him sound bad. just saying...thats the story he told me >_>" Like this WHOLE thing got me angry. You may not be trying to make him sound bad, but it hurts to to hear you say bad things about someone I'm expecting so much about. Did they think maybe, just maybe, he wasn't lying, nothing was his fault, anything NOT bad. I try to hard not to think anything bad about humanity, I always thought good. I tried to trust, to expect so much joy in people, to be good, but when people crush my dreams like that, it's like someone stabbed me real hard in my heart. The always have this long rants about something that I want to do but once I think something they said isn't right, they make it seem bad. I wanted him to seem like a good person, I wanted my little dreams to stay as they were. I sat there in front of my computer for a few minutes just staring at the screen. At the messages. Holding back the tears. I know I'm sensitive, I know I cry alot, but to do this, it's like shit talking in my face. Maybe I don't want to hear the true. Maybe I want to pretend the world is a happy perfect place. The world doesn't seem to share the same ideas I have appearantly have. I wish I had someone to cry on so badly, but I have no one. I'll just hold back the tears. It's fine. It's always fine & perfect. You know, little Alissa, even angry, always so calm, smiling, happy. Well, you know just fuck it. EVERYTHING is FINEE. EVERY FUCKING THING IS THIS FUCKING STUPID WORLD FULL OF FUCKING RETARDED HUMANITY TAHT IS FULL OF BITCHES IS FUCKING SHITTLY FINEE!

FML - Entry Two

Bad day, srsly bad day...LOL "badday". Well like I was saying, my bag was like 15 pounds so I carried it to school in the rain. When I got to school I was going to the girls washroom when I heard someone & I turned, I turned back & smacked my forehead into the 2 inch thick wooden door. I sat there in major pain for a good 3 minutes then got up & saw Lissa. Lissa then says "MOST RANDOMEST SHIT EVER." I ask her if she remembers he user for the computers, she gave it to me. I went for the computer, but every computer I touched said "no signal" or I woudl restart it & it said it didn't work. I got upstairs, the guy I like, with his ex agian. Science class, I got called down to Guidance. I came back two minutes later, the door was locked & I stood outside for about 20 minutes. I knocked the door one last time, & he finally opened when I sat on the floor. I quickly scrabbled to my feet to walk in. Whole class laughed. In history class there was no teacher & when I was just about to skip, a teacher comes. When I get out of clas, I wait for Ry & the guy I like to get out of class so they'll buy lunch with me. They both left me. >3> When I came back to eat my lunch with my friends, I asked that guy if he wanted to eat pho after our history exam. I got so rejected. I felt a burn after he said no. It wasn't even on a date. In woodshop, I got the biggest headache. Everyone kept on asking stupid questions. Gym, I cried a little, forehead hurt. Aussie guy told me to turn taht frown upsidedown & have me a high five. It was cute but, not in the mood. Also, according to Jewels, Stephie, which uis his ex, have him a hug. FML!FML!FML!

Get over him, It's only High school

I am SICK & TIRED of everyone telling me to "get over him, it's not gonna happen." or "it's only high school, you'll find better guys in university." Firstly, it's not my fault I can't get over him. I fell to hard. I'm sorry. I tried over & over to get over him, but I can't. He's always in my head. Every thought, word, person, thing, remind me of him. I feel butterflies, feel like barfing, breathe rapidly, & almost pass out when I see he's on msn. I double click his name & just stare hoping that he'll be the first one to message me. When he isn't I always scroll up & down waiting for him go go online, spending hours doing that or ranting about him. You think I can get over that? I'd love too. Who am I kidding, I can't even say I'd love too since I like him that much. Why are you telling me to get over him? Nothing's gonna happen, huh? How do you know? I know he only likeazns, but even his friends think there are sparks & somethings going on. It's jjust he's never dated a normal, non-azn girl. Everyone who says that ethier got there heart broke recently or already has someone. His ex-girlfriend got mad at me for rbinging him up so much. So told heit'll never happen, stop dreaming. I've been told things like that all my life, why should I? Screw them, I'll still try, with the few people who think it might work.

Ouch....You hit your head?

"ARGGHHH!!!EVERYTHINGS SPINNING!!" "OMG!Are you okay? What happened?" "Hey Jar was slapping him across the head & the door came that the same time." "Come on, lets just walk." "It feels like everything is shaking." -I held his arm so he wouldn't walk like he was drunk.- -I guide him to a chair- -I buy a super cold drink- "Here - handing Ice Tea to him-" "Ehhh....no thanks." "Dude, put it on your forehead, the swelling should go down, it'll feel better." "OHH!!Right.-puts drink on forehead-" "-Put drink down- I can't hold it up any longer." "-sigh- Here -Holds drink sitting beside him for a while-" "Lets go." "Okayy" I did this for him, what the hell? SRSLY! I'm the onlyperson who cared enough to do anything about what happened, to help you. You ditch me for your ex. Don't you see? SHE'S YOUR EX FOR A REASON!!SHE DUMPED YOU!! ); Stop thinking stop only haven't Chinky thought, try some Kinky thoughts. I mean, I'm the only one you'll get anytime soon. Why not try it. Why am I so mad at you? I can't help it, but I can't stay mad at you. I could never.

Ohh ouch, Achy Breaky Hearts );

Me;...shiz, i'm trying to keep him out of my head
Elaine; alissa we both know thats nto gonna happen
Me; i know ;___; ); you know, those words made me heart ache, pretty badly surpirsing to me
Elaine; my words?
Me; the ones you just said
Elaine; well deal with it alissa. you can still hsng witt him now as friends but seretly inside crushing on him
Me; yeahh i know, but erghh... i'll deal with that later after high school
i'll never have to see him agian
Elaine; yea
Me; i don't want to deal with that now
just let me be happy for now, because it hurts to think of him not liking me to much, let it die down first
... why did this convo with Elaine, Ken's girlfriend hurt me so much? I mean we ARE talknig about her exboyfriend, but god. Teenagers are just suppose to cry, feel hurt for a while & find a new person. Why does it hurt so much for people to tell me I can't have him? GOD!Maybe I do need to get over him. :| -sigh- I hope I didn't really fall inlove with him. That woudl really suck. Loving him, but never getting him, the marrying someone else & we'll never be together. I'll have to live with the average Joe. True love burns the deepest, but I guess will also leave the depest scars.

Listen to Scene List

He talked to me..??

This morning after so long he talked to me in his sweetly voice he usually does. After 5 days I was beginning to feel like he never wanted to talk to me agian. What's with me? Being so needy from a boy. -sigh- I'm just a stupid teenager I guess. Crazy about my love life...I guess if I was guys & he was a girl, I'd be a horny guys for him...her....WHATEVER! This morning, there is always a space beside me & Chrisy, where he sits. He sat there agian today after a few days of keeping away from me. When I said hi, he gave me "the stare". It's extremely scary. The whole time, I could smell, that beautiful smell of him. Annie thinks he smells funny, I think he smells hot... x) I'm lame. We ended up talking about pubic hair & peircing later. I had this convo with his ex, Elaine on Saterday. She told me he kisses sloppy. Maybe it's jsut me, but I think it's sexy when guys kiss taht way. I bothers me when tehy kiss to neat, or are scared to do anything more then a basic kiss. It bothers me taht a guy has no balls to take the lead & TRY to make out. That all reminds me of my ex. -shivers- Why do I seem to want him so much? I have him, almost, but I want him more.This makes me sound horny, I swear I'm not. It's just I'm so into him. I've never liked anyone this much, this long. (I was in science class when I wrote everything before.) At lunch, we walked together & he gave me this hus with his face was in my chest. It's the first time ever since he's taller. I liked it. I'M NOT HORNY! ); Anyways, he held my arm as we walked downstairs. I hung out by his class before I was late for mine. He didn't tell me to go to class for once. We joked around. Someone kicked him in his butthole. I laughed, he laughed. His smell, so sweet. I want to lick him when I smell him. (Not horny >3>)We talked about how fat we were when we were kids. He said "You told me I was cute, you liked me." I nearly blushed infront of him when he said that. His arms are so warm. I could fall asleep for eternity in his arms. God, what's with me & him? I dance with tears in my eyes when I think about him liking someone else. I had to skipped last period so I didn't see him after school. I wish a was fading because this makes me feel broke inside. ERGHH! I almost forgot about the major pain I had this morning at like 2 am for nearly two hours. It hurt when I moved at all. Sometimes it hurt even when I breathed. It felt like someone was ripping out my ovaries & stabbing a sharp stick in the holes they ripped out the ovaries.

FML - Entry One

Let me just say Eff my Life. ): Now a days guys get their guy periods, teachers get pissed off, parents are douche bags. What happened to the hardcore people I knew last month? Today sucked so badly, I couldn't cry or smile or give off one facial expresstion that was real. The one person who makes me feel like no guy I've met before could make me so secure, & all the questions I'm asking in my head like are yuo the one should I really trust made me feel like barfing today. He wasn't there in the morning because he skipped to sleep in. I saw hi mat lunch when he just came, no words were spoken out of his smooth lips. My stomach flipped over & over as a walked past him feeling like something was missing today. Not one word did he say to me this whole day. This girl, it was his exgirlfriend. She dumped him because she never really liked him & she got annoyed, he's been with her for that past 3 days. Is he ingnoring me for her? That slut? He's being a douche to me. Why? I care SOO much about him, & on monday & tuesday he made me origami to make me smile. The next day I made him an origami piano. He left it on the floor & stepped on it as he left. I had a major project due today. I didn't print out my part, my science teacher kicked out one of my parners, we were unprepared with out the other person & had to wing it.ERGHH!Today's a stupid day.

blogs...

I was looking up piercings when I stubbled upon this blog (http://xemox-xbabyx.xanga.com/?uni47224420-direction=p&uni47224420-nextdate=7%2F29%2F2009+9%3A31%3A34.727). I could relate to this girl. I found her blog was intresting. I felt sad, but happy to read it. It was refreshing. I was kind of wondering about different things after that. New hair cut, am I really fat, does he even like me as a friend? Today wasn't a good day for me either so it conforted me. That guy I really do like, he was beign a douche & I swear he was have his guy period. WHATEVER! (That's notreally how I feel about that). I couldn't print out a part of my big project. Everyone made me feel like they didn't care, unless it was Annie or Mickey. I felt so sad. I had mhim this origami piano, he just left it on the floor & stepped on it. A tear shed so I just let it fall instead of let anyone notice. -sigh- It's just everyone was beign a douche bag today. :/

weight

Maybe it's just me, but I think I'm extremely fat. I weigh 108, & my height doesn't help(5'1). Like Ik now it's average, but I feel fat. I think I have to much curves. I don't mind the weight, it's just I don't like the way it looks. 16 year olds are very much into the way they look, but come on. I do anything to make myself slim. When I was younger, my tummy was this flat, tight one, but now it's more like this layer of fat. I used to be skinnier a while ago, mostly because I was a yoyo bulimic. I'd get depressed & barf, which I'd do very often since I would be depressed alot. That's why I don't weight 120 like I used to. I want to be skinny, no curves, maybe it's just me, but I think curves are nasty. I'll try to work out to lose weight or something.

partyy...

this weekend i went to a party. it was fun. a guy i the guy i like was there. i swear he was hitting on me. We spent the whole time together. he was tracing his finger on my rib cages, tickled my toes, rapped his arm around my waist, both rubbed & pushed his arms agianst muy thighs, touching my hands & arms, touched my butt, put his arm around me, & when i was using my chest as a coster he gentley touched my breasts to take it off. I got a spinter from jumping over a fence. We were having a water balloon fight & he was going to throw it to me, but he saw I was hurt & he freaked out took me inside, & took it out. Our faces were so close I could smell his sweet scent. Our faces sweating, only inches apart. When he looked up at me I was holdig in the kiss I wanted to give him. I washed off any dirt & ran out of the house to have more fun. He ran after me & put his arms around me. I was in pain since it was burning outside & I had no shoes on. I went for a walk with me friends Jewels when I came back he asked where we went. He was laying down sideways on the couch & I layed on him sitting upwards, but still on him around his private area(weird place, i know). We played king when I was doing that. Whne we got king we asked each otehr what numbers we had so we wouldn't have to do anything. After we played twister. Both of us were in the same position just in different places. Again, sweating his face so cute, an inch apart, why couldn't I kiss him? It was weird we always act like this when we go out, but when we got back to school, it was different. He started to give me cute origami things. They made me smile, but why wouldn't he touch me. At the party i slapped hsi arse & he gave me a hug around my waist, at school i slapped hsi arse & he asked
why am i the one getting slapped for?" what happened?

do i....naww...right?

I am sixteen years old. I like this boy. I made a rant on him yestarday. Well today, I didn't see him in the morning. I got mad at his second period teacher because he keeps on kicking me out of his class even when I make my friends go to class because he's overly rude & a douche. I saw him sitting two rows behind me during this thing. I'm not even At lunch I came to sit, my friedn asked me to go out & I did. I spent 5 minutes with him before he went into English. He told me to go to class, but I asked if I could skip class with him because it's too hot outside (31 degrees) to do gym. He told me no & pushed me away. The WHOLE day I felt like I did something wrong. I know this is weird but the first song I hear in the morning tells how my whole day will be like. I heard Teardrops on my guitar-T.Swift. I felt like he was paying attentino to someone else the whole day. Even when he wasn't their I felt that way. Everything in my life reminds me of him. Do I love him? My vest smelt like him, I smelt it the whole day to make me feel better. I feel creepy saying that, but yeah. Oh well, I'll find out one day. After I become my nerdy/bad girl/emo/scene/sporty cheerleader next year. x)

Ouui

So I like my friend. Ouui. More like I love this one friends. It's a boy.Were really close. I mean like were best friends, known each other forever type of close, even if we've only known each otehr for the past two years. We tell each other EVERYTHING. He's liek the only person who knows my real name. We make each other feel right. Why doesn't he ask me out, you might wonder. Well, he's being a couche bag by not giving me a chance becauseI'm not asian. I've never todl him, but he knew i liked him last year. I feel like the song "You belong with me" is the story of OUR story. Maybe I'm just beign stupid by liking him, but he's cute, funny, sweet, just right. When something happens that otehr people would be grossed out by, we laugh. Like once my legs were lying on him & I feel this hardness. So I'm like "wow, your abs are really hard...." & he pushes my legs off. I realized it was a boner & I just laugh. I didn't tell anyone. This other time my skinnies ripped in the middle. I told him. He made me feel better by tellnig this story about him farting in class. He makes me feel better but when something happens. It hurts me to tell him. Like when I stole. I cried for 10 minutes before I coudl finally tell him. He wiped the tears off my lashes, hugged tightly, & whispered everything I needed to hear. He's teh only one I can ever let touch me. He touches my legs. When i sat on him he rubbed my thighs. & touched my skin. I got goose bumps when he did that. I just told him I was cold. Once we went on a trip. He sat beside me whispering in my earall the things I wanted to hear. (Not dirty, funny) The people behind us told us to stop making out. We both laughed. Later I got cold & he gave me his jacket. I was to short to reach a flower so he got it for me & put it in my hair. Yet, he doesn't like me? Why not? I felt him sweating but I want to be sweating with him. Which we sat beside each other extremely closely. I never think gave with tank tops are hot. This morning he had a dress shirt, opened. He had a wifebeater, sweaty. I found it so hot. I just wanted to kiss him. I couldn't help look. He looks at my chest & touches my legs. If he does all of this that points to something, why is it csoemthing else?

Birthday Post?

I haven't been on for a while. Most because one I'm busy, two my inter is down/virus. x) Fail, right? For my birthday it was a pretty hardcore day. So fun. Morning was normal. Kira gave me hers & Annie's present. Death Note t-shirt. <3 Shawnie gave me make up & stuff from Faces. Her dad works there. Janchu & Lissa tried to get us out of our test by telling our douch bag teacher it's my birthday. Totally didn't work. =__= In history my hawt student teacher KNEW it was my birthday & so did my teacher. I freaked out because, seriously, it's kind of creepy. At lunch my friends all said happy birthday & stuff. Some of them went missing. Turns out they made me a cake shaped in Hello Kitty's head. Tasted so good. <33In woodshop I went to go wash my face from the cake they put on it. I walk into my woodshop class. All I hear is them singing an off tune happy birthday. It was sweet. In gym, everyone just said happy birthday. In the end of the day, the whoel thing was completed by a hug from my crush. ;)

Around you.

Around you,
I can't do anything right, unless it's turning red. Your lips are so sweet, so shapely. Your back is curved & sculpted like Michael Angelo made it himself. Do you know how much you really mean to me? Your butox, so round, so supple. My mouth waters looking at you. That's what I think of you. Your arms are beautifully, muscular looking, but not overly. The butterflies in my stomach are caused by you just talking in your chime like voice. I wish I could have you all to myself. Your stubble is prickled with only a few reasons of why I feel this way. i never had a fetish for stubble, before you. What you've got boy is hard to find, I think about it all the time. Your scent is so different from the other boy's bodies. Yours is deliciously sweetening. I bite my lips to help it from smiling. Your light skin is so softly made. I wish I had it. Your clothing makes me feel normal. Your always do, but always don't. Your hands, make mine feel different but normal, like how you feel about your own. Our personalities are like two pieces of a lost treasure, but I seem to treasure you as much as I could. I always try to. You aren't mine, but I do want you. I only show who I really am when I'm with you.

you...with HER!?!?

Are you dating her? No ofcourse not. Why do you spend every moment with her? You don't like younger girls...atleast thats what you told me, told us. Do you like her? Does she like you? I've never seen you go to class late, but I saw you go late with her. She's my friends, she was so nice. Why? I hope she only likes you. Maybe it's just that your sister is friends with her. I hope. I mean likeshe's cool & all, but do you like..her? Maybe she's just a family friend. he. I hope. I never told you this, but the only thing I do right around you is turn red. I can't act like a normal person around you. I just always wanted to impress you. Everytime my turn up my music, I don't hear the music, I hear you, your foot steps, your breath. I've always wanted to be normal around you, but I can't help it. I can't sy anyting flirty, or say something nice. I can only insult, degrade, demote. Why? I really like you, I really do. I feel pressure in my body next to you. Everytime I see you, I really to get a glow in my face. My friends all like you. I'm different from all the others who hurt you. I likeyou the way you are. I really do. I wouldn't want to change you. Your perfect. My body throbs when I talk to you, when I breath you, when I hear you. Places ache like no tomorrow when our bare skin touchs. Why do I feel like this? Why are you with her now? Did you replace me with her? Can't you see, I like you & in a different way she does, in a different way everyone does. I feel faint beside you. You make me laugh so hard with something so simple. What's wrong with me? It's disgusting, How much I like. God, I hate it. I wanna kill you. But I won't. I like you. More then you know, more then they know, more then I know.

Lonely Birthday...?

My group of friends is HUGE, like 20-30 people. It's almost my birthday. I'm turning 16. Oldie. =P I invited like, ALL of my friends, only two are going FOR SURE. Burned, right? Yeahh... My guys friends all said their busy. One of my guy friends has extremely strick parents, I like him. He can't go. Sad much. I felt bad, I knew he did. He didn't want to make me feel bad so he gave his reason to my other friend of why he couldn't come. He spoke in viet/english. -sigh- I guess the valiant knight can't always make things better. Some how he always does, even when he isn't there. So my friend's Jan & Jewels are the only ones who can go, for sure. Sadly. Everyone else has a birthday or soemthing else. I can't help feel so sad that they can't go. It's kind of an icey feeling left that I know they can't come. I want to change my name. Not change, change, but like make a nickname, "Liz". Maybe everyone will remember Liz's birthday & come with her. Whatever. It'll be better on my real birthday...I hope..

Valiant Knight

Dear Valiant Knight,
You know this, & I know you know this but I love you. Your armor isn't broken by love, I've learnt, I understand. I know how you feel. I couldn't ethier until I met you. Nothing can make it into your heart because of the armor of scars you put up from all the hurt you've already felt. I hoped just once you'd let me in. You didn't. I tried for you to get someone else into your heart, they hurt you. I'm sorry. I'm in love for what you are, I hate so much yet, all I hate on you is beautiful, wonderful, I want you. Why can't I have you? Only because you can't look past my eyes & family name? Is that it? Look past, I beg of youl ook past. I'm alot more then you see. I'd do anything for you because your an addiction with everything you'll do. Your lips, make my heart quiver knowing I can't have them. What do you want? Tell me what you want. Is it my heart? Darling, you've had it on a plater. Look past my eyes, so your tender lips may touch mine for once. Is it fair Snow White's Prince Charming came looking for her, yet when I can't even get my Valiant Knight. Your voice is so sweet, like the nightengale's, I love it, I love you,
The Lonely Dragon Princess
I felt sad yestarday in the afternoon & I wrote this..

Major Pains

HOLY!! I'm having like the biggest period pains everr. You know it's funny, girls at my school fear tampons. I used them when i had swimming in gym, i think it's alot better then pads. Pads give you diaper rash. Not kidding, it can. Ohh & the new "U tampons" but Kotex are godly. <33LAWLZ!The eff? I'm talking about tampons beign godly when my ovries are bleeding in pain. I wanan die from the pain. You know Jacques is very matures about me using tampons. I know, the hell? Once, a pack feel on him while he waited for me by my locker & her just gave me like "you should put this in the garbage look". Well, talking about him...a few days ago, I poured water all over him. I won't lie.(I never lie)I had a very strong attraction to him when he was wet. Sorry. >__> Anyways, The tampon back also fell on Bani, he freaked out. He jumped pretty high. Last year, when i used pads, i had a pad fight with Near, Jacques & Bani. They acted like a girly girl with bugs.Near got the pad stuck on his shoulder, it was so funny. -burp- LAWLZ!Sorry, I was "IBB" because of dinner. Shrimps & rice. Hmm...I'm so proud of my best friend. He grew up with out me, he fell in love. I'm a little jealous the person he loves loves him back, but I'm proud for him, I love him, & I'm happy about this. ...I love how this was about pain, but now i'm talking about being happy. It's because "me & my period, were like this". I'm lame, I know. I kind of what the Samsung Galaxy, in white. It's really hot. Okayy, i'm done blogging. ;)

Four dreams in a row?

first i had the dreamabout spidey bar. Then i had this dream. Then i d this dream with Lissa & her bf, Meng, Shane (=__=), Jacques & I. The dream involved liek a "Sutie life on Deck" like theme. Mr Mosby was teaching little JK kids & they went crazy & ran hurting everyone. So Jacques & I ran into a glass room where only the door was coloured. We started to kiss. We got out as soon as the kids stopped. We held hand up to the buffet. Lissa & her bf asked if we were dating & we kissed. WTF? Then Shane yelled at us for dating & Jacques punched his face.Meng laughed. The next dream was. I forgot what the third dream was, but i know it had him. The fourth one was at the prom && everyone i knew was their dressed up as something stupid & he was my day. It was famous couple in the past, Siderman & Mary Jane. x)

Sewpa Keen & Spideyyy Bahh

So I had this WEIRD dream. It involved my best friend Annie & Ken. Also Jaques. So once Ken, Jaques & I had this convo about "what's the difference between spiderman & superman" & only my fobby big brother/best friend would ask that. I don't blame him. He was being my best friend, he wanted me & Jaques to talk because I liked him. Jaques didn't like me back. ): So kayy. Anyways, yestarday I had this dream. Ken was Sewpa Keen. While Jaques was Spidey Boy, but my friend Janchu calls him Spider Bar. I told her about that. x) Anyways, continuing the story. Annie was superman's girlfriend & they MADE OUT IN MY DREAM!!It was nasty, &&& Ken has his girl, Elaine. Then there was Jaques, he did that upsidedown kiss in the rain, TOO ME!It was a hot steamy kiss. But still.

Crushes

So I have a few crushes. x) "a few"Lets see, I have a thing for Pet Gals, this totally rad skater boy, Straighten his hair & is proud of it. He prolly has a gf, & doesn't even know I'm living. D; Nor does he go to my school. T__T Then there is ****** which shall not say his name but I like, liked him sicne ever. Benji Phan is another boy I like. But he moved & he's moving back & yeahh. Like dude. Ohh my student teacher is HOTTTTTTT!!He plays the guitar & the trumip, sexy, right? -drools- Okayy... Umm.. I guess that's all i can think of.

Azn Nation Island

Soo, for some reason my friends are refered to azn nation. Well, I was talking to my friend Mddie which called me yestarday & asked me "what if we got stranded on an island with all of Azn Nation?" I've been thinking about it so i made something like a note. x)

What eight outfits would you bring?
Bikini, 3 pairs of skinnies, 1 pairs of city short, 2 pairs of short shorts, pj's, 2 v-neck tees, & 5 tee shirts.

Where on the island would you live?
On the other side of where everyone was living. I don't wanan get in bs.

What would you be doing first?
Build my new house 8D

What would you spend your time doing?
Making surf boards, surfing, hunting for food, & cooking. But then again, I'm like the only one who knows how to disinfect, purify water, cure jellyfish stings, start fires, make rope all in one. SO KAYY!Hoping most of them know how do do one of each.Jaques knows CPR, Jan knows how to purify water, jewels might live at the other side with me so there goes the whole starting fries for them.

Who's most likely to go crazy?
Anni. No computers, no internet, no nothing.

Who's most likely to die?
Jan or Richy, no offence, but comepared to everyone else they seem to be the ones who couldn't take it well & i think Jan could take it better then Richy.

Who's most likely to fall in love?
Serouisly, I think Jaques & I, because atlest it "seems"(there isn't anything) like theres romance between us, unlike anyone else.

Who's most likely to be eaten by something?
Maddie. NO QUESTION!

What couple already mde is most likely to do the dirty deed?
Lissa & Johnie.

Who'd turn gay?
Banni & Vanny. TOGETHER! ;D

Why would you live where you live?
I don't wanna get in fights & I'm not sure, I just don't want to be around people. Like Jewels & I don't really want to be with them. It's not like I have anything wrong with them but I can handle this myself. They can make the rash choice while i live peacefully.

If Jewels's bunny came along & he died, would you eat him?
HELL NO!!Dude, the animal is so innocent & cute. <33 I'd make a grave for him.

What food would you hunt?
Shrimp. Shark.

You washed up on shore no breathing, who'll save you?
Any guy who knows CPR.

HMMM...I Guess I'll continue later ;)

Dreams & Stuff

My friend author of "Chinky Thoughts" had a dream, that scared her. She was being chased by a horse then got PUSHED into the water to save her from the horse, which btw; she's scared of both. Then our friend Dian was making with G-Dragon from Big Bang. I had a dream where I was at my normal hang out with Cherry, June, & Julews. My friend Jaques came & we played dress up as a girl with him. He was like " Torcher!Why do I always have to go with this Torcher!?!?" & I'm like " Well I haven't done this since..." (since my best friend left), then I didn't finsh, my eyes got watery, & I had a panic attack. I felt someone's throbbing yummu lips on mine. I kissed them, they kiss me back...I poened my eyes. IT WAS JAQUES!??!O___e OHH GOSH!!. I told Jaques today about me & being bi. He supported it. (: Nice friend. No wonder I named him my big sis. It was weird after that dream >w< but the kiss was hot. I faked being sick in woodshop so I wouldn't have to do work. Hmm... I think I'll have fun with school now, I just need...my best friend D;

This Land makes me wonder.

Soo, "this land" is my school, my life. My school is nicee, i guess. Well, for the beginning, I do the whole scene/emo style. I don't know how but i do. My best friend had t move to Brampton because he got kicked out & now lives with foster parents. D; This was about a month+half ago. :I So kayy. I can't really dress up at school because of the uniform, but some how I have this scene-ish shine that pops in. I have to wear black pants & a white dress shirt with a crest. So I wear tights & skinnies. :D Bright coloured t-shirts under. Beads & bows all the way. My hair is kind of like scene hair. It's a little volume-ize. the normal type. (: My make up isn't really dark, it's just a thin bit of eyeliner to accent my grey eyes. My face isn't pale from naturalness. I'm sick so it's pale. NO, I DON'T HAVE CANCER!! XD GOSH!I bet you wish i did. LAWLZ! uhmm..well, if you need advice on getting introuble like stealing, boys, low grades, & stuff, trust me, my friends or me have experiance.