Not sure

I'm not completely sure, but lately, I've felt really sick. It's not just my body, but my mentality feels weak. It seems dead. Not sure why I feel like this. I'm so tired lately, so I don't think taht helps very much either. My forehead is hot, my eyes sting, I can't get a good night's sleep. If I lay down get I get up I gasp for air while blood rushes to my face. I always feel so cold. My mental state is very questionable. I'm having these images in my head of sick people. The drawings I make seem like something an insane person would think of. There all of stitched up people who have been mutalated or extremely skinny people. Yestarday I went looking in my room for a blade so I could feel something. I haven't been able to feel anything myself. For that matter, I haven't really felt any emotion for a while. It's all been faked. If it's not faked smile, I was most likely using sarcism when talking to someone. There was only this one time, I did not fake or use sarcism, it was to say what I knew was right, but I didn't feel it was so. My mind keeps on running things I did before, bad things. Not the type of bad thing that are like stealing, but the type of emoral things. Like barfing & cutting, always in my mind. Right after a meal I would run to the bathroom after i finshed the dishes, turn on the tap so nobody could hear me. I'd be on my knees, staring in the mirror. Always just thinking, I'm not skinny enough. I have to admit, I did lose weight. I am currently 108. But I wish the mirror would lie, but it never did. Icould always see a curve that repulsed me. I tried so hard to get to barf enough. I used to cut myself, just to feel something. Sometimes I would just feel so cold, so emotionless. Tears would roll off of my cheeks, but feeling nothing, just an empty feeling. It was a hunger to cut, to feel that everything was real. I could feel the sting for the cuts. The more I'd cut, the more I felt a filling. It was a twisted feeling, but I enjoyed it. I would lick of the blood for a sickly twisted & slightly energizing feeling. I hope all of these thought pass. Going back to school like this would be horrible, painful, angering. I just have to say if anybody tries to give me a lecture, which I've heard it all before, trust me, it doesn't help, it really pushes you more into doing it.