Maybe he doesn't care..

Today I was talking to Annie & we were talking about guys, since I went to the mall. She todl me "he who shall not be named" was online & i'm like "i was watching a movie today & the main dude was named _____", then she said "LOL he's on now go talk to him" & i'm like "who?". She says "____" & i'm like "he's online? great, he prolly blocked me. come to think of it i wonder if he's mad at me". She replies "?he's the ____ slow replys guy". At first I thought he blocked me, but then turns out, he really got a new email. He added everyone, BUT me. The sting of a stinking heart. He either doesn't care at all for me or he does TRULY & HOPELESSLY likes Annie. ... 

  .....Earlier today, I was also wearing a new pair of shorts. I look down at my leg & see old scars on my leg, does nobody else see them. I see only scares & bruises all over my body that never really went away. Theres this blue bruise on the side of my right eye when my sister smashed the door into my face. Nobody else sees all these little flaw. I guess, maybe I just worry to much.

Not sure

I'm not completely sure, but lately, I've felt really sick. It's not just my body, but my mentality feels weak. It seems dead. Not sure why I feel like this. I'm so tired lately, so I don't think taht helps very much either. My forehead is hot, my eyes sting, I can't get a good night's sleep. If I lay down get I get up I gasp for air while blood rushes to my face. I always feel so cold. My mental state is very questionable. I'm having these images in my head of sick people. The drawings I make seem like something an insane person would think of. There all of stitched up people who have been mutalated or extremely skinny people. Yestarday I went looking in my room for a blade so I could feel something. I haven't been able to feel anything myself. For that matter, I haven't really felt any emotion for a while. It's all been faked. If it's not faked smile, I was most likely using sarcism when talking to someone. There was only this one time, I did not fake or use sarcism, it was to say what I knew was right, but I didn't feel it was so. My mind keeps on running things I did before, bad things. Not the type of bad thing that are like stealing, but the type of emoral things. Like barfing & cutting, always in my mind. Right after a meal I would run to the bathroom after i finshed the dishes, turn on the tap so nobody could hear me. I'd be on my knees, staring in the mirror. Always just thinking, I'm not skinny enough. I have to admit, I did lose weight. I am currently 108. But I wish the mirror would lie, but it never did. Icould always see a curve that repulsed me. I tried so hard to get to barf enough. I used to cut myself, just to feel something. Sometimes I would just feel so cold, so emotionless. Tears would roll off of my cheeks, but feeling nothing, just an empty feeling. It was a hunger to cut, to feel that everything was real. I could feel the sting for the cuts. The more I'd cut, the more I felt a filling. It was a twisted feeling, but I enjoyed it. I would lick of the blood for a sickly twisted & slightly energizing feeling. I hope all of these thought pass. Going back to school like this would be horrible, painful, angering. I just have to say if anybody tries to give me a lecture, which I've heard it all before, trust me, it doesn't help, it really pushes you more into doing it.

Skin & Bones

I lock the door, turn on the water. Bury that sound, so no one hears anything anymore. Mirrors lie to me, tell me you can see, maybe you won't be able to recognize me now. I know you can feel, all the things you steal & you're taking, you're taking it. Feeling so easy. Make me skin and bones. I'm always on my knees for you. You break like it's even. When you're leaving & thin, where the hell have you been? Well sometimes it burns, Baby I'll wash it out. It all look so big. Never mind, I don't feel anything. It only hurt a bit. I STILL FEEL LIKE SHIT! & I think you won't be able to recognize me now. It's easier to quit, but it's harder to admit & you're pushing me, YOU'RE FUCKING PUSHING ME! Feeling so easy. Make me skin and bones. I'm always on my knees for you. You break like it's even. When you're leaving & thin, where the hell have you been? Cause you always win, you always win. Laughin' like it works, bleeding like it don't hurt, knock you off your feet. Even if you need me
Tear you apart, and I hate how I need you. Feeling too easy make me skin and bones. I'm always on my knees for you. Break like its even. When your faking, it's too fucking easy, make me skin & bones.
I'm always on my knees for you. Break like it's even. When you're leaving & thin, where the hell have you been cause you always win, and you always win, you always win. 

Kare Kano

Kare Kano, it's this manga I like. I borrowed two books from my friend & I forgot to give them back to her before we went on summer vacation. I was reading it & it made me feel so bad. It's book 11 & 15, it reminded me of Brett & his rants. Lately, I've been seeing people who look like him. I freak out & turn away from them. I've seen 3 in the past two days. I don't want to go back to school anymore. I'm scared of what might happen if he sees me. What if he hits me? He was so angry & he'd fight me trying to get answers. I tried to forgot so badly, SO very badly, but I just couldn't. It's like I'm seeing him everywhere. I feel like shit lately. I feel so angry & tired. The only good thing that's come out ofr my summer is the new sweater I bought & the part of me that feels smarter.

Al, the guy i want to hurt.

Maddiee : P says:
Mitchel told me he beat up the creepy white guy xDD
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
orly, when?
Maddiee : P says:
umm i think 3 days ago
LOL wait
it was 4
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
was he really hurt?
Maddiee : P says:
cuz he txted me saying "Delete the white guy off your fb and msn"
i have a feeling he was
cuz mitchel
sounded really pissed
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
hmm...
i wish i coudl see him now
Maddiee : P says:
LOL me too xDDD
i kinda wanna go up to him and say "never liked you, we were only nice bcuz Mitchel was nice to you"
but tht would be mean
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
pfft, i was only nice to him because i don'tl ike being mean to people
but him
Maddiee : P says:
LLOL
hes the only person
who actually managed to creep me out
like yanno
matthew gives me the ew feeling but hes still my friend
but Al O_O
just makes you go
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
al makes me want to shot someone
then again brett does that too
Maddiee : P says:
LOL
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
al is just someone i've built up so much anger too
Maddiee : P says:
omg D:
that goes for everyone
ohh
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
?
Maddiee : P says:
mitchel said he made him bleed alot and hes gonna post it on fb
XD
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:

Maddiee : P says:
now thts cyber bullying
i kinda, cant wait
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
i kind want to do it myself
beat him up i mean
Maddiee : P says:
LOL i know wat you meant
xD
and me too
ahh D: he shouldve invited us
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
I KNOW RIGHT!??! D:
wait, i can't go outside
Maddiee : P says:
LOL
then you have to snipe him
xD
Alissa being the sniper
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:

Maddiee : P says:
hehehehe
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
why couldn't he have done it at school ? D:
Maddiee : P says:
bcuz mitchel was being nice and tolerating it
but he just had to ruin it and piss of mikey
Mitchel was like his ONLY friend
>:0
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
: O what did he do!?!?
Maddiee : P says:
mitchel said "He talks to much shit."
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
ohhh :/
i can see it
Maddiee : P says:
well im fine with it cuz hes in collage now
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
i hate how he crushes on younger girls
Maddiee : P says:
YEAH
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
THANK GOD & BUDDHA
Maddiee : P says:
I HATE THT TOO
but omg
if he shows up next semester
id be liek "why ar eyou here ._."
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
srsly
imma say "how old are you? no offence this seems pedo"
Maddiee : P says:
ewwwww
hes nasteeey
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
srsly
he's SOO ugly
Maddiee : P says:
ive seen better white guys :0
in my old neighbourhood
the white guys
were hot
and the ugliest white guy
looks SO much better then him
e_e
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
when he went bald i freaked out because jacques told him he got lice
Maddiee : P says:
ME TOO
he scared the shit out of everyone
he especially pissed off richy
LOL
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
i know x)
Maddiee : P says:
wenever richy wanted to go to the movies or to pmall, al would invite himself
:0
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
&& the time we went skating
Maddiee : P says:
YEASHH
LIKE
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
he's just invite himself places
Maddiee : P says:
OMFG
I HATED THT
it was suppose to be my present for Jewels
how to skate
but
HE RUIN IT
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
once, we went to pho for christmas & like he almost came
we had to pretend it was cancelled
Maddiee : P says:
tht reminded me of the time
wen
i wanted to go home
cuz our commiunty hours is over
and richy and janchu were going home too
and mitchel asked if he wanted to walk home with him
and al said no
he had to walk me home
and i was like "wtf? am i your gf or soething?"
but i didnt say
tht
so i called my dad to pick me up

- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
x)
Maddiee : P says:
so i got a drive home with ricky and jancy
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
nice
dude, like i hate how he woudl just tag along when we'd go for after school snacks
Maddiee : P says:
Yeaaaah D:
wat sucks even more
he said hes NEVER had a gf before
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
no duhh
Maddiee : P says:
im like "wow wat a loser."
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
dude, he scares people away. he isn't pretty, his personality sticks & i doubt he's good a kissing
Maddiee : P says:
an inexperenced outcast D:
ohhhh
and
you know wat else is creepy

i gave matthew my new number, cuz we're friends, right?
and he was like "and how come I dont have this number?"
i was like e___e i ll give it to you later
but i lied
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
x) smart maddie
Maddiee : P says:
he expected me to actually give him my number >>:0
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
it bothers me thath e's like a loner & he's not even good at it o__o
he just makes peopel wants to stay away MORE
Maddiee : P says:
LMFAOO
SO TRUEE
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
like most of the time you expect them to secretly be so cool & nice. him....just no
Maddiee : P says:
Yeaaah D: why cant he be one of those cliche loners?
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
D: not some creepy effer who said they want to burn us down then make friends with us
Maddiee : P says:
uggh i hate the way he treats us especially
acts like we're kids and dont know anything
then he clings to us
as though we're friends
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
i hate when he treats us like kids then a few minutes later he's soo immature & he thinks he's being cool fitting in
Maddiee : P says:
omg your so right >_< like we act like kids, but we're mature - ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says: i know. he creeps me out ALOT when he tries to act like a cutest japanese girl. e___< Maddiee : P says: AND HE NEEDS TO FUCKIN SHAVE HIS HIDEOUS BEARD WHY CANT HE LEARN FROM BANNI AND JACQUES? - ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says: ry, richy, tang, THEY ALL DO IT Maddiee : P says: YEAHHHH - ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says: he's teh only one who keeps it. jacques gros his out sometiems because it isn't ver noticable, but his -shivers- Maddiee : P says: lmao! yeaah xD i cant stand it i had the urge to yank it out - ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says: e___e it's annyonig & it curls in when it's long Maddiee : P says: hes not very higenic D: epsecially with his 8 year old shoes and his raggy hat - ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says: his pants & ripped shirt those are GROSS Maddiee : P says: like srsly e__e he wore the same sweater the WHOLE semester the ripped pants especially bothered me :0 - ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says: && the same pants EVERY day for a year with hole D: the shirt bothers me he ripped out most of the school's crest & let it hang Maddiee : P says: he didnt even wear unifor, *uniform so like wtf? you cuoldve worn sme nice ergular clothes atleast one thts not ripped - ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says: why was he even IN school? he said he didn't have many classes, so he could've take summer school Maddiee : P says: TRUE and he comes in the monrings wen all his classes were in the afternoon >:0
ohh dude look!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wEZ81_7G9Wc&feature=related
the mom ruined the moment
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
he's kidn of cute
Maddiee : P says:
another moment ruined xDD its even more funny cuz its the same couple
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rouf0oCwtrk&NR=1

- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
ohh, like i was saying, WTF? can't he find other friend his age? or hango ut with other people like kum
x)
Maddiee : P says:
yeahh
but kum
isnt as gay as he is
ATLEAST KUM HAS A GIRLFRIEND
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
THAT'S SOO FUNNY
& yeahh, atleast he can get some
&& what i don't understand is, why doesn't he go for his own white people instead of the azns, he know s he has no chance
Maddiee : P says:
-sigh-
it makes me so dissapointed
to even know him
- ` E3lle.Lawlzi-pop - Rawrr! says:
i makes me disown myself

Grades (Grade school)

So I picked a girl friend from each grade.
One) Rain, she was so funny & was my best friend, she introduced me to Four. We had SOO many memories. She was my first sister. Stellar girl. (Y) I don't remember much.
Two) Leena, I still know her to this day & we hang out TONS! Even with her height she's still one of the coolest people I know. She's so funny when she insults someone. Her jokes are so good. When she gets mad, she'll kick your arse. She loves facebook, gaia & I think zuup. Not sure. I love going to her house, because we spend the best times together, liek my birthday. <3 Three) the time i had no friends besides Rain & Leena Four) MADDIE!!My first bisexual friend, ever. <3 She's a perv, but she's so funny. x) She also has those tiems when she cries & calls me just to talk. ): I hope I make her feel better. It woudl be better in real life so she could she this BEATIFUL face of mine. I joke, I joke. =PBut I have known her for a while. I don't remember it but Rain told me she introduced us to each other. Mehh...Who needs memories from then when you can make new ones now. Five) ...o____o I don't remember ONE thing from grade five.

Boys don't effin understand.

- Brett says:

Alissa.
When we were going out.
I didnt mean to anger you.. I honestly don't know what I did.. I really liked you.. I was so nervous to mess things up.. I wanted to see you and I understand your mom wouldn't let you do that stuff.. I just missed you alot.. I honestly don't know if that's what angered you.. I'm sorry for that.. I know i'm obsessive.. But that's because I really like you.. That's all.
And yes I questioned alot of things.. Only because I'm very curious about things.
- ` Elle.Nerd - Boo! says:
yes but you also got angry at me when i woudln't tell you, & if you haven't noticed you don't need to know everyone
- Brett says:
Alissa.. I wasn't angry at you.. I was angry at the fact you put somone before me. When the situation was about me. I just wanted to know the person because I can't stand when people are like that towards me when i'm not like that towards them.
I didn't mean to anger you on that.. I understand you don't break promises.. The only problem I seen was that how could you make a promise with somone who you fought with.
Which was my main concern.
And I was worried that you made the whole thing up because you didn't want me anymore.. I'm really sorry Alissa.. Those things hurt me alot.. I flip out.. But I was never angry at you.
- ` Elle.Nerd - Boo! says:
yeahh, well maybe you should have thought that before & yuo shoudl get over it, we only knew each other for a little while
- Brett says:
LOL
Thought of what before.
Honestly.
Nothing changed in the matter.
You just don't understand everything I say and i'm sure what others say to you.
We talk to you.
And you think we're yelling at you.
Or pissed at you.
And trying to piss you off.
But
Your the whole reason the situation rose up
You made a promise not to tell that guys name to me.
ok
But why did you have to tell me what the guy said
You started that problem
You coulda just kept it to yourself
But you didn't
And that's ur problem Alissa.
Not mine.
Your telling me get over it ?
LOL
Mabye you should learn how to be in a relationship before you start talking trash about other ppl.
I miss you yes.
But I miss you for your nice side.
But I guess I should understand it.
I mean
You mom always bitches at you and you hate it.
I guess you get that bitchy side from her.
And yes
I know i sound mean right now
why
Because your fucking rude.
- ` Elle.Nerd - Boo! says:
thanks
& your a fucking asshole
- Brett says:
Really ?
Cause i'm not the one starting this
You are.
I know it would never happen because that's the way you are.
But
If you were all depressed
- ` Elle.Nerd - Boo! says:
orly, your the one who won't let a girl go
- Brett says:
about this
I would be the one
Making sure you felt alright
Not mocking you to your face.
- ` Elle.Nerd - Boo! says:
i'm not depressed, i'm pissed
- Brett says:
I know
I don't care.
You mock me to my face.
While we're in a relationship
And out.
You act as if your so important and special and i'm nothing and i'm so fucking lucky to of had you.
But in reality.
Your just another stuck up girl.
- ` Elle.Nerd - Boo! says:
thanks, & just like all of my friends said, your the biggest jerk ever
- Brett says:
haha.
I've never been a jerk to anyone.. atleast this year.
But you.
I'm being a bitch to you.
Because
Your being a bitch to me.
I'm a bitch to anyone that treats me with disrespect I don't deserve.
- ` Elle.Nerd - Boo! says:
i'm a bitch when i'm angry
- Brett says:
I feel guilty if I do deserve it.
But
If i don't deserve it
I get angry.
Ask anyone that's good friends with me that.
And you have no reason to be angry.
You mocked me
first
You should be the one just like
Who the hell cares.
- ` Elle.Nerd - Boo! says:
then don't fucking talk to me
- Brett says:
LOL
I know ur thinking to yourself.
This guys a fucking asshole w.e
I'm not ok.
I'm such a frkin nice person.. I'm only nice because of what has happened to me in my past. I hate anger I hate frustration.
And when it comes to me
I hold it in
And I hold it in more
And I build up alot of anger
Then
When somone like you comes along
and treats me like shit
it bursts out.
Mabye instead of watching what I say
You should watch what you say
and be like
wow..
I'm a fucking asshole.
- ` Elle.Nerd - Boo! says:
if you think i'm such a bitch, why the fuck are you stil talking to me
- Brett says:
Because there's a nice side to you.
And I know there is.
And I want that side to understand this.
And you will act like this to everyone else
If you don't understand this.
Alissa your awesome to talk to when your nice.
Bu
but
You push all your anger out on other ppl about what's happening in your life.
*sigh* just understand this.
None of us are assholes when we're happy.
Nobody is.
Then
When we're frustrated.
Some of us hold it in
And still seem happy
Then some of us put that frustration on others
I seem happy when i'm frustrated
ur angry
and you mock ppl
The point is.
Don't look at all this like it's my fault./
Cus I know.
I'm not stupid
Your gunna go to all your friends and talk shit about what a bitch I am.
Alissa. I want to talk to you when your nice.
You need to relax your anger.
And you need to chill.
We're supposed to be friends.. Just cus we broke up doesn't mean you need to mock me.
- ` Elle.Nerd - Boo! says:
imma let you finish, but shane had the best break up of all time, of ALL TIME. YOU, sir, can suck a dick and just fuck off.

Surguryy

"Hunny, just breathe in the air." -COUGH- -COUGH- "I know it smells funny, but breathe it in slowly." Everything blacked out & I woke up to some strange person's voice telling me to open my mouth. Only pure pitch black, sounds coming from all round, people talking to one another. The pain of my whole body, aching, just aching in pain. Needles suck in places I don't remember were there before. I tried to open my eyes, but I was in to much pain, it was too much work. Coughing, Coughing, harder & harder. Everytime I coughed I could taste the gas they made me smell. I forced myself to finally open my eyes. Where was I? I don't remember how I got here. All I remembered was the surgine. I just had lip sugury to remove a lip tumor, it didn't cause cancer, but it was still ugly. It had gotten bigger. Now my lip was huge & horrid. The blood, the pain, the meds. This happened on June 30th. I'm still hungry, I haven't eaten since my friend Jewels & I ate at McDonalds.