Ohh ouch, Achy Breaky Hearts );

Me;...shiz, i'm trying to keep him out of my head
Elaine; alissa we both know thats nto gonna happen
Me; i know ;___; ); you know, those words made me heart ache, pretty badly surpirsing to me
Elaine; my words?
Me; the ones you just said
Elaine; well deal with it alissa. you can still hsng witt him now as friends but seretly inside crushing on him
Me; yeahh i know, but erghh... i'll deal with that later after high school
i'll never have to see him agian
Elaine; yea
Me; i don't want to deal with that now
just let me be happy for now, because it hurts to think of him not liking me to much, let it die down first
... why did this convo with Elaine, Ken's girlfriend hurt me so much? I mean we ARE talknig about her exboyfriend, but god. Teenagers are just suppose to cry, feel hurt for a while & find a new person. Why does it hurt so much for people to tell me I can't have him? GOD!Maybe I do need to get over him. :| -sigh- I hope I didn't really fall inlove with him. That woudl really suck. Loving him, but never getting him, the marrying someone else & we'll never be together. I'll have to live with the average Joe. True love burns the deepest, but I guess will also leave the depest scars.

Listen to Scene List

He talked to me..??

This morning after so long he talked to me in his sweetly voice he usually does. After 5 days I was beginning to feel like he never wanted to talk to me agian. What's with me? Being so needy from a boy. -sigh- I'm just a stupid teenager I guess. Crazy about my love life...I guess if I was guys & he was a girl, I'd be a horny guys for him...her....WHATEVER! This morning, there is always a space beside me & Chrisy, where he sits. He sat there agian today after a few days of keeping away from me. When I said hi, he gave me "the stare". It's extremely scary. The whole time, I could smell, that beautiful smell of him. Annie thinks he smells funny, I think he smells hot... x) I'm lame. We ended up talking about pubic hair & peircing later. I had this convo with his ex, Elaine on Saterday. She told me he kisses sloppy. Maybe it's jsut me, but I think it's sexy when guys kiss taht way. I bothers me when tehy kiss to neat, or are scared to do anything more then a basic kiss. It bothers me taht a guy has no balls to take the lead & TRY to make out. That all reminds me of my ex. -shivers- Why do I seem to want him so much? I have him, almost, but I want him more.This makes me sound horny, I swear I'm not. It's just I'm so into him. I've never liked anyone this much, this long. (I was in science class when I wrote everything before.) At lunch, we walked together & he gave me this hus with his face was in my chest. It's the first time ever since he's taller. I liked it. I'M NOT HORNY! ); Anyways, he held my arm as we walked downstairs. I hung out by his class before I was late for mine. He didn't tell me to go to class for once. We joked around. Someone kicked him in his butthole. I laughed, he laughed. His smell, so sweet. I want to lick him when I smell him. (Not horny >3>)We talked about how fat we were when we were kids. He said "You told me I was cute, you liked me." I nearly blushed infront of him when he said that. His arms are so warm. I could fall asleep for eternity in his arms. God, what's with me & him? I dance with tears in my eyes when I think about him liking someone else. I had to skipped last period so I didn't see him after school. I wish a was fading because this makes me feel broke inside. ERGHH! I almost forgot about the major pain I had this morning at like 2 am for nearly two hours. It hurt when I moved at all. Sometimes it hurt even when I breathed. It felt like someone was ripping out my ovaries & stabbing a sharp stick in the holes they ripped out the ovaries.

FML - Entry One

Let me just say Eff my Life. ): Now a days guys get their guy periods, teachers get pissed off, parents are douche bags. What happened to the hardcore people I knew last month? Today sucked so badly, I couldn't cry or smile or give off one facial expresstion that was real. The one person who makes me feel like no guy I've met before could make me so secure, & all the questions I'm asking in my head like are yuo the one should I really trust made me feel like barfing today. He wasn't there in the morning because he skipped to sleep in. I saw hi mat lunch when he just came, no words were spoken out of his smooth lips. My stomach flipped over & over as a walked past him feeling like something was missing today. Not one word did he say to me this whole day. This girl, it was his exgirlfriend. She dumped him because she never really liked him & she got annoyed, he's been with her for that past 3 days. Is he ingnoring me for her? That slut? He's being a douche to me. Why? I care SOO much about him, & on monday & tuesday he made me origami to make me smile. The next day I made him an origami piano. He left it on the floor & stepped on it as he left. I had a major project due today. I didn't print out my part, my science teacher kicked out one of my parners, we were unprepared with out the other person & had to wing it.ERGHH!Today's a stupid day.

blogs...

I was looking up piercings when I stubbled upon this blog (http://xemox-xbabyx.xanga.com/?uni47224420-direction=p&uni47224420-nextdate=7%2F29%2F2009+9%3A31%3A34.727). I could relate to this girl. I found her blog was intresting. I felt sad, but happy to read it. It was refreshing. I was kind of wondering about different things after that. New hair cut, am I really fat, does he even like me as a friend? Today wasn't a good day for me either so it conforted me. That guy I really do like, he was beign a douche & I swear he was have his guy period. WHATEVER! (That's notreally how I feel about that). I couldn't print out a part of my big project. Everyone made me feel like they didn't care, unless it was Annie or Mickey. I felt so sad. I had mhim this origami piano, he just left it on the floor & stepped on it. A tear shed so I just let it fall instead of let anyone notice. -sigh- It's just everyone was beign a douche bag today. :/

weight

Maybe it's just me, but I think I'm extremely fat. I weigh 108, & my height doesn't help(5'1). Like Ik now it's average, but I feel fat. I think I have to much curves. I don't mind the weight, it's just I don't like the way it looks. 16 year olds are very much into the way they look, but come on. I do anything to make myself slim. When I was younger, my tummy was this flat, tight one, but now it's more like this layer of fat. I used to be skinnier a while ago, mostly because I was a yoyo bulimic. I'd get depressed & barf, which I'd do very often since I would be depressed alot. That's why I don't weight 120 like I used to. I want to be skinny, no curves, maybe it's just me, but I think curves are nasty. I'll try to work out to lose weight or something.

partyy...

this weekend i went to a party. it was fun. a guy i the guy i like was there. i swear he was hitting on me. We spent the whole time together. he was tracing his finger on my rib cages, tickled my toes, rapped his arm around my waist, both rubbed & pushed his arms agianst muy thighs, touching my hands & arms, touched my butt, put his arm around me, & when i was using my chest as a coster he gentley touched my breasts to take it off. I got a spinter from jumping over a fence. We were having a water balloon fight & he was going to throw it to me, but he saw I was hurt & he freaked out took me inside, & took it out. Our faces were so close I could smell his sweet scent. Our faces sweating, only inches apart. When he looked up at me I was holdig in the kiss I wanted to give him. I washed off any dirt & ran out of the house to have more fun. He ran after me & put his arms around me. I was in pain since it was burning outside & I had no shoes on. I went for a walk with me friends Jewels when I came back he asked where we went. He was laying down sideways on the couch & I layed on him sitting upwards, but still on him around his private area(weird place, i know). We played king when I was doing that. Whne we got king we asked each otehr what numbers we had so we wouldn't have to do anything. After we played twister. Both of us were in the same position just in different places. Again, sweating his face so cute, an inch apart, why couldn't I kiss him? It was weird we always act like this when we go out, but when we got back to school, it was different. He started to give me cute origami things. They made me smile, but why wouldn't he touch me. At the party i slapped hsi arse & he gave me a hug around my waist, at school i slapped hsi arse & he asked
why am i the one getting slapped for?" what happened?